Often am I left unnoticed. I try to speak but my voice ends up too soft for it to get through. Or sometimes, I speak and they reply but that’s where the conversation ends. Often am I left alone. In the midst of other’s “fun time”, I sit motionless. Trying to blend in but at the same time afraid. How many times, I wonder, have I been rejected by others? Sometimes I wonder if I am only unnoticed or just ignored. But there are times when they actually look at me. Notice me, give me attention and they even give me care that I have never felt from them before. Old friends even show up. But that’s only when I’m in pain and when I show it. But they do so only for themselves. Only to feel better, to think of themselves as a “good person.” I know I really think of others horribly but that’s the idea of them that I got from living my life.

writeinspace:

Here’s to that kid who listens to everyone. The one who would sit down, look you straight in the eye, and see the way your pupils dilate when you speak of your attractions or your worst fears. The one who really cares for you, but you’re to oblivious to see that. The one who would listen to your endless ramblings about that someone you’ve been crushing on since a month ago. The one who would unconsciously be hurt deep inside. The one who would wince and take all the painful hit from you when one you like passed by. The one who would laugh off the pain. The one who would listen to what you have to say—your laments, your thoughts, your dreams, your desires, your past. The quiet one. The one who would wake up in the middle of the night to answer your call and calm you down from your nightmare. The one who’s worried. The one who would stay up on a school night and listen to you talk about everything. The one who would defend you from any harm and fight for you, any thing. The one you can run to and cry on their shoulder as you’re being wrapped in their arms. The one you can always count on. The one who always brought you happiness and peace of mind.

Here’s to that kid who listens to everyone, but was never heard. Here’s to that kid who was always there, but was never noticed.

I must be stupid. The realization has just been absorbed by my mind only recently. Even if I let myself be stuck by life’s occurences, the world goes on rotating and revolving. Of course, those who made me feel sad. Especially those who did it unconsciously. Then, I’ll be left behind. The very thought of it annoyed me. And then I realized how stupid I am for I have let myself be left behind. Now, I don’t plan on letting myself fall so easily. Or if I ever fall, I will stand up again and firmer.

I recalled my dream.

I couldn’t stand everything any longer. Without any direction in mind, I ran. I was in the middle of a crowd but I continued to rush out of it. I didn’t know where my legs would lead me to. All I knew is that I wanted to get out of that place. I didn’t get tired at all, despite my weak stamina. I always get out of breath in my dreams when I run but this time, I did not. Then, I reached the end of the crowd. I did not see anyone in the world. I was alone and I got to the different places in the world that I wanted to go to. I even got inside the world of the books that I have read. But everything were only a flash of each place. At first, I got scared. But then, I thought that it’s nice. And I started to think that I wanted to enjoy it. The flashing slowed down and then..

I woke up. Just when things were about to get good, I wonder why I woke up. It was even early. Is my mind telling me not to be blinded by fantasies?

I’m not talking about bluffs. Like hell I am. I am talking about written words. I am weak for those. If one would give me a letter full of confessions and as if the person is really talking to me honestly, I would love that person. Sitting here and reading other people write makes me love them.

Gah. Awhile ago, I was present at the meetup too. But like hell anyone would notice me. I registered myself and such but when I went to my group which is blue, I stood there and as usual, I just watched other people. Actually, I am fine that way. I really like watching people but when I see my other cousins, I think I am too unsociable. If other people wouldn’t talk to me, I won’t. It’s not that I want to be approached, it’s just that I am a little frightened of being unnoticed after approaching someone. Because it happens a lot. I simply dislike it. I am apologizing for being this way. I really appreciate those who talked to me earlier.  :)

It feels so lonely. I hate the city’s sky. It is so dark. The best thing I like about the sky is that it never makes you feel alone. When I feel down and I’m outdoors, I just look up. I especially love the night. But when the stars are absent, it’s so dark. And the moon is alone too. They are meant to be together during the night so when one of them is absent, it’s lonely.

The stars that sparkle so beautifully even if they are so small, showing that even small things have their importance and they can also be brilliant. 

There will always be a time when a person has to take a step out of your life to pursue their dreams, to do what they wish to do. Let their wings take them to where they should be. We can’t chase them. Because your wings are not meant for that path. An airplane will not be enough too. It will eventually run out of gas and then you’ll realize you’re lost or you’re not in the place meant for you.

Instead, use your own wings to fly to your own path. No one will pursue your dreams but yourself.

This night, the moon is so beautiful. It’s brightness caught my attention, making me smile. Then the second time I looked at it, it was hiding itself under the dark night clouds.  Yet its brilliance cannot be hidden by mere clouds.

The very reason strange people stand out in a large crowd is their brilliance. That’s why, when people keep on staring at you even if you’re not doing any harm, be proud. They’re wasting their time and some effort to look at you. Never be ashamed. The reason they can see you is because you can stand out.

That’s why I don’t mind being weird at all.

That’s what I think. I really don’t like the idea of opening up all my feelings and thoughts to one person, especially vocally. I think I can’t. I feel that I will show them everything. And once everything is exposed, that’s the perfect time to injure someone, right? When one is weak, that’s the best time to attack. Cowardice. That’s the reason why I don’t even have a best friend. I always make excuses for myself.

Telling someone everything is frightening. It may not be so for some. I’m just too afraid to trust.

This is what my teacher once advised us. I think it is the best advice one can give to high schoolers. Because at this age, falling in love is inevitable. Though there are still those who never have fell in love even at this age, it is rare. That’s why, the best advice is never to make someone your whole world. Or else, when that person’s gone, you’ll break.

Yosh! It’s time for me to get out of this depressing life even for just two weeks. I plan on going to the countryside where my mother grew up. My purpose? To let go of this kind of daily routine and to find myself. That may have sounded too poetic but whatever.

Perhaps when I get back, I’ll be more positive and be more creative again.

I’m going there once I have my braces on these complicated teeth of mine. Perhaps on May. :)

To me, this is taken literally. When the day ends and I feel like crying again, all that’s in my mind to explain my situation is I guess I was too happy for today. I may sound too depressing but this happens every time. I dislike it. My own mind won’t let me to be happy for too long. Once I was happy for the day, I feel like crying and I feel so sad for no reason during the night.

I have always been alone inside my own box. It’s not that I’m afraid to go out, it’s just that every time I try, the other me stops me. She’s better than my usual self since she explains to me why going out is dangerous. I might only experience painful things or get influenced by the world outside. I feel lonely but I don’t want to feel pain, nor do I want to change.

I guess I have no choice to wait for someone who will take me out of this shell. The other me told me that a trustworthy company other than myself would help me cope with the world outside.

If I reach out my hand out of this little hole I made to peek, I wonder what will my little, incapable hands grasp?

But then, if no one ends up finding me, I guess I only have to bear with it. I’m used to it… probably.

Hello, this is the weak me writing this.